11 Truths About Love In Marriage, From Divorce Attorneys
“A sustainable marriage is not about love, it’s about tolerance.”
The best source for marriage advice? Divorce attorneys. Before you protest, just think about it: Every day at work they see the types of marital problems that lead otherwise happy couples to split up.
With that in mind, we recently asked 11 family law attorneys to volunteer their best love and relationship advice. See what they had to say below.
- A sustainable marriage is not about love, it’s about tolerance.
“Can you tolerate all your partner’s quirks? Even the ones that you don’t like, are they tolerable? Don’t marry your partner thinking that any of his or her quirks are going to change, improve or wane. As we get older, your partner’s quirks will only magnify. So if you can’t tolerate it now, you for sure are not going to be able to tolerate it in the future. Tolerance may not be romantic, but it is the key to a long lasting marriage.” – Melissa B. Buchman, an attorney in Beverly Hills, California
- Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
“Unfortunately, many couples I see going through a divorce ascribe bad — or sometimes terrible – motives to everything their spouses do. What is the harm in assuming or presuming the best? Even if you’re wrong, it hurts no one. And it may be the start of a better relationship.” – Randall M. Kessler, an attorney based in Atlanta, Georgia
- Don’t be afraid to feed your spouse’s ego now and then.
“Silly as it may sound, your spouse wants to feel strong, sexy and attractive. I have seen spouses cheat because someone else showed them attention and made them feel good.” – Christian Denmon, an attorney in Florida
- Put your spouse before your kids.
“This may not be the most popular piece of advice, especially for parents, but after watching countless people get divorced because they allowed themselves to slowly drift apart over the years, I honestly believe it’s true. We are all busy these days. It’s far too easy to put your job, your house, your activities and your kids before your spouse. Don’t do it! While many people believe that their kids have to come first, if they don’t put their spouse first and their marriage eventually sours, it’s not going to be doing the kids any favors. If you value your marriage, choose to put it first.” –Karen Covy, an attorney and divorce coach based in Chicago, Illinois
- Don’t wait until it’s too late to work on your marriage.
“Work on your marriage while it’s still a good marriage, don’t wait until there’s a problem. ‘Work’ does not have to mean counseling, it can simply be having a set date night once a month.” – Carla Schiff Donnelly, an attorney based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
- When you need to discuss something important, timing iseverything.
“When making a request, decision, criticism or apology, it’s crucial to do it when and where your spouse is at their best: after working out, perhaps, or on Friday night, or after a glass of wine or early in the morning before the kids are up. Ask yourself: Is this really the most constructive setting for my partner to hear what I need to bring up? I marvel at stories from clients about how they tried accomplishing something regardless of their spouse’s readiness to receive it and how shocked and dismayed they were when they got rebuffed or ignored. Bringing stuff up on a Sunday night, for instance, when you know he or she gets the back-to-work blues — or right after work, when you’re both exhausted? Bad idea.” – James Sexton, an attorney based in New York City
- Know that you can’t change your partner.
“My piece of advice mirrors a quote from Maya Angelou: ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’ In other words, many of us have this deep-seated desire to change our partners, especially women. This can manifest itself in actions like trying to get them to wear neutral colors instead of bold plaid shirts or attempting to change them from boring in bed to hot in the sheets. The bottom line is, we are who we are and either we accept it or go back on Match.com.” – Lisa Helfend Meyer, an attorney in Los Angeles, California
- Love is about the little things.
“Marriage is work but worth the effort. Go on dates, speak one another’s love language and cherish the little things. Remember that love looks and feels very different as your relationship changes and evolves.” – Natalie Gregg, an attorney in Allen, Texas
- Communication really is the cornerstone of every solid relationship.
“When people come to my office wanting a divorce, the stated reasons often have to do with money, sex or ‘growing apart.’ The truth is that in almost every case these complaints are the symptoms that have led them to my office, not the cause. The cause is a lack of regular communication. If couples would make a point of setting aside time to talk about what is going on with each of them, to communicate their real feelings, I think that far fewer of them would end up in a divorce lawyer’s office.” – Fred Silberberg, an attorney based in Beverly Hills, California
- Be an active listener.
“Listen to each other when you fight. I mean, really listen. Try to understand your partner’s point of view and even if you don’t agree. Acknowledge how they feel, validate their opinion and show them that you care.” – Jason Levoy, an attorney and divorce coach in New York City
- Marriage doesn’t get easier the second or third time around.
“When a client says, ‘I am so tired of him or her and their sloppiness, overspending, drinking, their kids or their stinginess,’ I tell them, ‘don’t think that it gets any easier with the next person.’ Marriage is hard work and if you can’t do the work, don’t get married. The second (or third) time is not any easier than the first, in fact, it’s usually harder.” – Georgialee Lang, an attorney based in Vancouver, Canada. [myad]








Rev. King, The Law And King’s Supporters, By Reuben Abati
But the most bizarre development since that ruling last Friday has been the intervention of a group called the Ndigbo Cultural Society of Nigeria (NCSN). The group says Nigeria has nothing to gain by shedding Rev. King’s blood and that President Muhammadu Buhari should grant the convicted murderer state pardon because “he is still a spiritual leader to many Nigerians.” The Ndigbo Society is indirectly saying that Rev King’s life should be spared because he is Igbo, and a religious leader. This is nothing but arrant nonsense. It makes us wonder what happens to people’s heads once they are in the grips of the disease of ethnicism. Has anyone told the Ndigbo Cultural Society that Rev. King’s victim, Ann Uzoh, was also Igbo? Or is Emeka Ezeugo’s Igbo life more important than that of Ann Uzoh? Or the lives of the others: Jessica Nwene, Kosiso Ezenwankwo, Chiejina Olisa, Chizoba Onuora, Vivian and Uche?
We keep encountering this kind of absurdity. Crime is excused on the grounds of ethnic affiliation. My-brother-can-do-no-wrong-once-we-are-from-the-same-village: and it is this that has created a web of conspiracy whenever and wherever the ethnic game is at play, and that conspiracy is against the state and decent values of national togetherness. But we thank God for the courts of law, which in this case have brought the Rev. King saga to a closure. And please note that if the victim in this case had been of non-Igbo extraction, perhaps the Ndigbo Cultural Society would have been more strident with their appeal. They’d do well to keep quiet and not further insult the memory of the dead.
They are right on one score though: that Rev King is still a religious leader to many Nigerians. It is one of those funny things about the scope and spread of superstition and religious fanaticism in Nigeria that there are indeed persons who worship their fellow human beings and turn them into their gods. It is precisely this same form of delusion that led to the crime that is taking Rev. King to the gallows in the first place.
It is why he still has followers who believe that the Supreme Court ruling is a joke and that “Rev. King is superhuman, he can’t be killed by mere mortals”. Members of the Christian Praying Assembly are still reportedly awaiting the return of the man they call “His Holiness”.
One Sunny, acting as their spokesman, says: “His Holiness cannot be killed. He is more than a mere human being and cannot be killed by any mortal…He will come back home at the appointed time and by then, the people behind this whole thing will bury their heads in shame…”
These characters imagine that the people who will bury their heads in shame include the Justices of the Supreme Court?
Apart from ethnicity, religion is another major source of crisis in Nigeria. It turns people’s heads, turns them into zombies and forces them, in many cases to worship man instead of God. Across the country, every day, there are millions who have turned religious leaders including herbalists into “Little gods.”
Among Christians and Muslims, widespread confusion over the interpretation of the doctrine has created such complexity that continues to lead people astray. Poverty and the scarcity of opportunities continue to drive people to places of imagined salvation. The pastors promise miracles: they not only preach the gospel, they claim all kinds of powers including the power to make the blind see, to make the lame walk, and to help the unmarried find husbands and wives. Some of the pastors add a touch of the melodramatic to it: they give out clothes, cars, houses, and free food.
But it is the people’s money being recycled and given back as token. The lifestyle of many of the religious leaders would make the Pope cringe. They preach salvation and divine protection, for example, but they live as if they are afraid of their own shadows. The poor members of the congregation relate with the anointed man of God from a distance because they are not rich enough to get close to him, but from the pittance that they manage to make, they contribute tithes unfailingly, to make the man of God and his family live it up and boast that their “Lord is Good!”
The more stylish a religious leader is, the more popular. And some have even gone from being stylish to being practically unusual. There are churches where the Pastors slap, beat, and kick members. In some other places of worship, the Pastors are reportedly romantically involved with female members of the congregation, including married women. There is freedom of religion and freedom of worship and association and so, anyone can call himself a Reverend, a Prophet, a Spiritualist or God’s Deputy, erect a tent and turn himself into some people’s God. Rev King actually lived like that, like a mini-God. He built a large cult-like followership and exercised near-absolute powers over his besotted followers. Ann Uzoh was one of his victims. Sometime, in 2006, he had set her and six other members of the church ablaze for allegedly committing fornication, witchcraft and other offences. He sat in judgment in his own court and issued a death sentence. Ann and other ladies in church were Rev. King’s sex slaves, and according to one account it was the rivalry between Ann and another sex slave that led to the dousing of Ann and others with petrol, their being set ablaze, and Ann’s death.
Ann Uzoh is better remembered as one of those promising young Nigerians whose life was derailed by religious hypnotism. Young ladies who are still today selling themselves to churches and pastors should be reminded of her story and there is no better person to offer a reminder than the father of Ann Uzoh, Mr. Raphael Uzoh. In 2006, the Nigerian Tribune (August 9, 2006) interviewed him and reported, in part, as follows:
“The decision of Miss Uzoh, a Higher National Diploma graduate in Accountancy from the Institute of Management and Technology, Enugu State, to pack out of her parents’ house at the period without telling anybody, was said to have shocked everyone. According to the father of the deceased, during a chat with Mid-week Tribune, when he could no longer withstand the pressure being mounted on him by his daughters suitors who had sought her hands in marriage, shortly before she eloped with Rev King, he began the search for her until he was informed by some concerned family members that she had been sighted at the Christian Prayer Assembly belonging to the suspect.
“To my surprise, when I got there, based on the instruction of Rev. King to my daughter, I was told by some insiders that my daughter had changed her name to Ann King. And she told me that I was not her father, that she had started bearing Ann King, said Mr. Raphael Uzoh. He stated that despite this strange behaviour by his daughter and her unusual and sudden rudeness to him, he did not relent in trying to re-assure her that she was still welcome at home if she could still change her mind and come to her senses. Rather, he expressed regrets that his late daughter who was his first child remained adamant and unrepentant.
“However, the bereaved father, in tears, noted that sometime on Saturday, July 22, 2006 at the church’s premises, the accused person was said to have called the deceased and some other five members of the church into his residence and leveled some accusations against the worshippers who saw him as a little god. Mr Uzoh, now left with two children, said he learnt that once anyone was summoned by the pastor, that person, out of fear, must kneel down before the pastor, no matter how old he or she might be. There and then, the suspect was said to have passed death sentence on the girls for perceived fornication and witchcraft. He ordered for fuel and it was brought to him by one Kelechi because the first gallon of fuel brought by the accused person to sprinkle on the unfortunate worshippers was not enough, he recalled.”
That is not the end of the story. Mr. Raphael Uzoh, while trying to rescue his daughter, was ordered to join Rev. King’s church. He did and was given the assignment of lacing Rev. King’s shoes (!). Rev. King definitely lived like a king, and here are some of his followers still insisting that the hangman cannot kill him, even after the Supreme Court had spoken. It won’t be long before they start claiming that he will resurrect! But what on earth could have turned a graduate of Accountancy into a willing sex slave in a church? Unemployment? We need to worry seriously and do something about the growing hordes of young men and women who have turned themselves into slaves of churches, other religious groups, pastors and clerics. Nigeria is losing too much talent and national productivity time to places of religious worship. It is sad that political leaders also patronize these haunts and their managers. Nigeria has become one big theatre of religious ritual. The name of God is the most abused name in Nigeria today. The resultant tragedy and hypocrisy are astonishing.
For now, we can only hope, that all the religious leaders who use religion as a vehicle of abuse will learn the appropriate lessons from the saga of Rev. Chukwuemeka Kingsley Ezeugo a.k.a. Rev. King. And I am not in any way saying all clerics are bad; but that the likes of Rev. King bring the calling to disrepute and sadly, their population seems to be increasing. Rev King has had his day in court. The law has taken its course. Now, let justice be done according to the existing law, even if the heavens fall, quake or wail.