The Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC), has planned to kick-start the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) Area Council elections for the distribution of Permanent Voter Cards (PVCs) to eligible registrants beginning from March 4. The election proper is scheduled to hold on March 19 this year even as the distribution of PVC will be conducted up ti March 10. A statement from INEC said that the seven-day exercise has been scheduled by the Commission to enable all who had registered in the last Continuous Voter Registration (CVR) exercise to collect their PVCs and to participate in the Area Council elections. It said that the PVCs will be distributed at the Polling Units (PUs) for the first three days of the exercise, while distribution will be done at the Ward level for the last four days from 9am to 4pm daily during the exercise. The Commission also said that at the expiration of the 7-day exercise, distribution of PVCs will continue at the Area Council level from March 14 to 16. It said that some of the approved modalities for the distribution of PVCs in the FCT are: · Collection of PVC is NOT by proxy; · A registrant shall present himself/herself to the Distribution Officer (DO) who checks the Distribution List to ensure his/her name is on the list; · The DO shall check the stack of PVCs to ensure the card is available; · The DO shall retrieve the Temporary Voter Card (TVC) and handover the PVC to the registrant who shall be requested to thumbprint and sign the appropriate portion of the Distribution List; · Cases of lost or defaced PVCs shall be recorded on the incident forms; · Cases of names on the Distribution List but card not found and vice-versa shall also be recorded on the incident forms; · Distribution Officers shall also document and handle cases (if any) of returned PVCs from the public; · The Electoral Officer shall supervise the exercise in his/her Local Government Area. [myad]
CHANGE is when a Friday goes by and no one is dying in the Mosque due to Bomb Blast… * CHANGE is when Sunday goes by and no one hears of another Bomb Blast in Church killing worshipers….. * CHANGE is when mansion built with stolen money are sealed up and confiscated….. *CHANGE is when Boko Haram suicide bombers are intercepted before they kill innocent people…. * CHANGE is when prominent looters fall sick after years of eating our yams and bleat like demented goat for forgiveness… *CHANGE is when untouchable comes to court in Handcuffs… * CHANGE is when Corrupt people swallow or chew their confessional statements in panic to escape the long arm of the law….. *CHANGE is when judges stop giving stupid interlocutory injunction to stop corruption from being investigated and prosecuted….. # ChangeisPMB. [myad]
The Supreme Court has upheld the judgment of the lower courts which sentenced the General Overseer of the Christian Praying Assembly, Rev. Chukwuemeka Ezeugo, popularly known as Reverend King, to death. The Supreme Court said it found King guilty as charged. It said in the judgment, read by Justice Sylvester Ngwuta that King’s atrocities were like “what you see in a horror movie.” The case began in Lagos State where King was accused of murder and attempted murder. A Lagos State High Court found him guilty. The case went on to the Court of Appeal, which affirmed the judgement of the Lagos State High Court. Ezeugo was arraigned on September 26, 2006 on a six-count charge of attempted murder and murder. He pleaded not guilty to the allegation but was sentenced to death by the then Justice Joseph Oyewole of Lagos State High Court, Ikeja, on January 11, 2007 for the murder of one of his church members, Ann Uzoh. Justice Oyewole is now a judge of the Court of Appeal, Calabar Division. The Lagos State Government had said the convict poured petrol on the deceased and five other persons and that Uzoh died on August 2, 2006, 11 days after the act was perpetrated on her. Specifically, Ezeugo was convicted and sentenced to 20 years imprisonment for the attempted murder and death by hanging for the offence of murder. Dissatisfied, Ezeugo challenged the verdict before the Court of Appeal in Lagos, but the appeal was thrown out. “I hereby rule that the prosecution effectively discharged the burden of proof on it. This appeal is devoid of any basis and accordingly fails. The judgment of the High Court is hereby affirmed, and the conviction imposed on the appellant, (which is death by hanging) is also affirmed,” Justice Fatimo Akinbami, who read the judgement, held. The two other members of the panel of Justices, Amina Augie and Ibrahim Saulawa, concurred with the lead judgement. Again, Ezeugo, not being satisfied with the verdict, approached the Supreme Court and urged that the judgment be upturned. [myad]
With the battle almost won against the deadly Boko Haram insurgents, the leadership of the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) has announced the re-opening of the orientation camps in Adamawa, Borno and Yobe States before the end of 2016. The Director-General of the NYSC, Brigadier General Johnson Olawumi who announced this when he spoke to newsmen in Katsina, sadi that the decision followed the successes recorded in the fight against insurgency in the north eastern part of the country. “Since the insurgency has been reduced drastically, we are resuming orientation in Gombe State beginning with this batch ‘A’ of 2016. Adamawa State will resume with the next batch, while Borno and Yobe orientation camps will be re-opened before the end of the year.” Olawumi said that these states have some of the best facilities for orientation in the country, but had to be closed down due to insecurity. He advised corps members to discharge their duties at their places of primary assignment diligently. The DG called on state governments to ensure prompt payment of allowances to corps members to boost their morale for effective service delivery. [myad]
Nigeria’s Second Republic President, Alhaji Shehu Shagari, clocked 91 year old yesterday, Thursday. Shagari observed his birthday quietly at his residence in Sokoto with prayers led by the Chief Imam of Shagari’s residence in Sokoto, Sheikh Abubakar Gudun.
The prayer session was attended by friends and well wishers. The former President used the occasion to plead with Nigerians to continue to live in peace and harmony with one another.
“We should continue to live in peace with each other, irrespective of our diverse religious, ethnic and cultural differences. God has His reasons for creating us together as a nation and our differences are aimed at cementing our unity.” The elder statesman advised leaders in the country to uphold the virtues of social justice, piety and shun greed. [myad]
The Super Eagles coach, Sunday Oliseh has rolled out bucket of challenges that have led him to quit the stage today, even as the Nigerian Football Federation (NFF) confirmed his resignation.
A top official with the football body said that the aggrieved coach claimed violations in his contract even as Oliseh himself complaied that his salary has not been paid in four months and he has no accommodation as promised by the NFF.
It is also understood that he was unhappy over the dismissal of his personal assistant, former international Tijjani Babangida, and rumours that the NFF approached former Cote d’Ivoire coach Herve Renard, who has since been appointed coach of Morocco.
In his resignation letter to the NFF’s General Secretary today, Oliseh said that due to the unconducive working conditions that he and his coaching crew have to live with, the NFF contractual violations and the interest of the nation, he was tendering his resignation and recourse to the termination of the working agreement.
The full text of Sunday Oliseh’s resignation letter is reproduced here:
Dear General Secretary of NFF,
Object: Letter of Resignation.
Due to incessant Violations of our signed agreement (Contract) I am hereby informing you of my decision to terminate our working collaboration signed in July 2015
The most important objective is for the Super Eagles Of Nigeria to qualify to the next AFCON and the World Cup 2018.
Since so little help is being rendered me in getting the players to give their best and very vital conditions and advantages to the team play are also being sacrificed coupled with non redress of the aforementioned despite my several e mails and others, seeking your aid to effectively carry out my duties were ignored.
These unconducive working conditions that my coaching crew and myself have to live with, your contractual violations and the interest of the nation necessitates that I tender my resignation and recourse to the termination of our working agreement.
Many thanks for the opportunity to serve my fatherland. [myad]
The acting Chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), Ibrahim Magu has apologized to all the judges and lawyers across the country over comments attributed to him in recent media reports regarding the negative conduct of judicial officials, saying that he never intended to impugn their integrity. According to Magu, his comments and activities of the Commission should not be interpreted to mean a blanket indictment of all lawyers and judges but directed at a few bad eggs within the system. “There is no way one can make a blanket statement on the integrity of lawyers and judges. “Nigeria is blessed with some of the best lawyers and judges on the African continent. “My worry is that the bad ones amongst them are giving the good ones a bad name.” Magu emphasized that the Commission deeply appreciates the support of most conscientious, upright and patriotic members of the bar and bench, including defence counsels, leading to the Commission’s unbeaten prosecution and conviction record. Magu said that mindful of the fact that judges are constrained from publicly responding to criticism against them, the Commission only employs legal and administrative procedures, including investigation of errant judicial officers and laying complaints against them before the National Judicial Council. The EFCC boss invited all patriotic members of the bar and the bench to join the renewed campaign against corruption and money laundering, while exposing the corrupt among them. [myad]
“I am greeting you. I am saying how are you and the exchange rate palaver. The dollar wahala”.
“So, that is why you are saying e ku exchange rate. Is something wrong with you Yoruba people? Must you turn everything into a form of greeting?”
“You are insulting me?”
“I am making a statement”
“Meaning?”
“Any serious matter at all, you and your people must turn it into something else. E ku exchange rate? What kind of greeting is that? Yoruba will say e ku election, e ku democracy, e ku change, e ku ana, e ku gbogbo e, gbogbo e, e ku democracy. I am tired of answering you people and your cynical greetings.”
“The people don’t mean any harm.”
“That was how somebody came to me the other day and said e ku Mecca, Medina, e ku Qatar. I felt like slapping the guy.”
“Ha.”
“I don’t like hypocrites.”
“Would you have felt better, if he had told you e ku living upside down, e ku idorikodo, e pele change?”
“I would just have been livid, because I know you and your people. Too much cynicism.”
“Can you stop?”
“You know me, I speak my mind.”
“No. You are beginning to sound like Donald Trump. Stop Trump-ing other people, just because you don’t know where they are coming from.”
“But of course I know where you are coming from when you say e ku exchange rate”.
“Where am I coming from? I just left my house”
“My friend. Sit down. “
“You too stop going upanddan”
“Okay, you want to talk about exchange rate. I am listening. The way it is, everybody is now an economist in Nigeria. Even my driver yesterday was telling me about the behaviour of the parallel market. And I overheard the nanny commenting on the 2016 budget and how it may, in the long run affect the housekeeping allowance.”
“That’s a criminal in the making. You should sack that housekeeper. She certainly wants to pad the housekeeping allowance.”
“You know these people also watch television. She must have listened to stories about padding on television and radio may be, and she may think it is perfectly normal in today’s Nigeria to pad figures.”
“These things run deep, I agree. But a crook is a crook. Better keep an eye on that housekeeper and let her know that this is the era of prudence, discipline and you-steal-you-get-caught-you-blame yourself-and-may-be-go-to-wa wi-tenu-e places.“
“Don’t worry, I am the EFCC of my house, nobody can pad anything. I am on top of it. I do more market research and monitoring than Madam.”
“I don’t get it. You now go to the market while Madam stays home?”
“You can say what you like, but I can tell you authoritatively that a bag of rice which used to be N8, 500 is now N12, 500. Pampers was N1, 450, it is now within three weeks, N1, 850.”
“Pampers?”
“Yes”
“What’s your business with pampers?”
“What is not my business with pampers? I am a very active man, upstairs and downstairs. You don’t think I should be interested in all things material and particular and eventual? “
“You have really changed. What happened to you?”
“Are you interested in my findings or you want to discuss something else?”
“Carry on. I am listening.”
“A congo of garri was N250 a few weeks ago, it is now N500”
“Common garri?”
“Garri has changed oh. It is no longer common”
“Really?”
“Stop saying really? Be a man and do your own research before Madam and the housekeeper drive you into bankruptcy by adding something of their own to the real figures and giving you false information. You must be proactive.”
“I am with you”
“See, I like to drink Andre. A carton used to be about N20,000. Can you believe it has jumped up to N24,500?”
“Andre? What is that?”
“It is a kind of wine. Middle class taste. I like it.”
“So cheap? Some other people drink Crystal, Cliquot, didn’t know you are just a bush man with all your big mouth. Andre. Please stop disgracing somebody.”
“A carton of Carlo Rossi, a week ago was N14,000, it is now N17, 500.
“Carlo Rossi? Who is that? A football coach?
“Even the cost of paraga and alomo, kasaprenko has gone up.”
“You drink all of that too?”
“A carton of Orijin was N2, 900 the other week, it is now N3, 300”
“You keep talking about drinks. No wonder you have also been monitoring the prices of pampers. You can’t know the prices of these concoctions and not cause some maternity ward problems.”
“I am giving you real figures. And that is why I greeted you, e ku exhange rate. The Naira has been dancing like a yo-yo, and the dollar is the queen of the foreign exchange market in Nigeria today.”
“The colour of change.”
“The Naira even exchanged for N390 to the dollar, and N500 to the pound.”
“Nobody is talking about the pound.”
“It is the American age. You’d think the Americans were the ones who colonized Nigeria with the way they have colonized the Nigerian exchange rate. Practically everyone is looking for the dollar, you would think the Naira never existed. We definitely have an economic identity crisis. ”
“My driver told me he has a solution to the problem”
“I have heard some petrol station attendants also saying they will solve the problem.”
“I am not joking. My own Pastor actually told us on Sunday that the problem with the Naira is spiritual and that with prayers, the Naira will regain its lost strength.”
“Well, the petrol station attendant has a different logic, and his own logic is even different from my driver’s.”
“That is the problem. Everybody in Nigeria today is now an economist. Very soon, the roadside imbecile will issue an opinion on how the Naira can be saved.”
“Are you sure that has not happened yet?”
“I went to a barbing salon last week, and the barber lamented that his prices would have to change”
“Ok?”
“Exchange rate and crude oil prices, he said”
“By the time landlords start blaming the exchange rate and the spot price of crude oil, and they fix prices differently, we would all be in big trouble.”
“But what happened to that campaign?”
“Which one?
“The Buy-Naija-To-Grow-the-Naira campaign, promoted by Senator Ben Bruce and others.”
“Ha. You have not heard? The Common Sense Senator published a book on Common Sense, but it was discovered that the man preaching buy Naija, published his own book in the US of A.”
“So?”
“What do you mean so? Should he do one thing and say another?”
“Let the people criticizing the Senator go and sit down, and keep quiet. The man is a thinker. They should know that. When they go to his Silverbird cinemas, do they watch Nigerian films there all the time, or do they eat guguru instead of pop corn?” “I am listening”
“And have they seen Senator Bruce wearing local attires like a fisherman? This thing is about ideas. And that is why I always argue that what we need is not common sense, but uncommon sense. When you confront Nigerians with common sense, they will start looking for loopholes”.
“I just hope that your common sense Senator is married to a Nigerian woman, because that is the best way to grow the Naira.”
“What is that? Where is that coming from?”
“I don’t think anybody can preach buy Naija to grow the Naira, and then go and marry a foreign wife, that will be hypocrisy of the highest order!”
“What is the connection between where a man marries from and the Naira?”
“There is. Please, there is; it is the biggest money laundering offence.”
“You have started again. Who are you trying to shade?”
“Nobody. But if we want to really save the Naira, everybody should buy Naija.”
“That is too simplistic. Except you are trying to suggest that our Governor-friend with Cape Verde connections has also refused to buy Naija and therefore has a hand in the problem with the Naira.”
“He is our friend oh. Please, no comment.”
“Some people say to save the Naira, not even the bedroom should be outsourced, and that the biggest drain on this economy is the obsession of the Nigerian rich with all things beautiful and romantically seductive from foreign countries.”
“I can’t comment on that.”
“You are saying all of this because Ben Murray Bruce printed his common sense book in America?”
“I am saying we all need to rescue the Naira and the economy. The economy first!”
“You are beginning to sound like a vulcanizer. It is not your job, it is not my driver’s job, and the petrol station attendants should just keep quiet. Na only we dey OPEC?”
“They won’t. They can’t. This is a democracy and we all have a right to make policy. If we don’t speak up, some people will pad things again and things will get worse.”
“It is Godwin Emefiele’s job”
“Him na your brother?”
“He is the Governor of the Central Bank”
“Really?”
“What do you mean, really?”
“What are his views on monetary policy?”
“Go and ask him”
“And fiscal policy?”
“Go and ask the Minister of Finance?”
“We have a Minister of Finance?”
“Of course we do”
“And who is that?”
“Wait a moment. What’s that her name again?”
“Hello?”
“Wait. I am trying to remember. Em…em…yes, 16+6= 24!”
“You mean you can’t connect the monetary side with the fiscal side of the Nigerian economy, you are busy just saying… Okay, don’t bother, I get it.”
“Candidly speaking.”
“Don’t worry, the people who are benefitting from the Naira crisis know her and they know her name and they know the CBN Governor too. In case you don’t know, while you are busy trying to put people down, some other Nigerians have made a fortune from the Naira-Dollar palaver.”
“A fortune?”
“Yes. That is the difference between people who are clever and those who just complain. One of my wife’s friends is almost a billionaire now because the Naira crashed.”
“How did she do it?”
“The God of Olajumoke intervened. The God of Adekunle Gold picked up her call. And the God of Korede Bello said she had won. Her warehouse is profiting from the difference. So when you talk with that your sharp mouth, just know that in every economic situation, there are both happy and sad stories.”
“But there are standards, normative contexts, economic frameworks”
“If you don’t get it, you can’t get it. If you don’t mind, please, I don’t want a lecture on that.” [myad]
Barrister Festus Keyamo, a constitutional lawyer and counsel to the former chairman of the Economic and Financial Crime Commission (EFCC), Ibrahim Lamorde, has referred to Senate Committee on Ethics, Privileges and Public Petition as being truant against the Nigerian law.
He said that rather than accusing his client, Lamorde, of running away from the law and ordering his arrest, it is the Senate committee that should cover its face in shame for being ignorant of the constitutional provisions regarding the matter that is being treated.
“In addition, section 88 of the 1999 Constitution stipulates that only a person presently occupying a public office can be investigated by the Senate in relation to that office and since at the time of this invitation, our client had vacated the office, he could no longer be made the subject of any investigation by the Senate.”
In a statement, Keyamo said that despite this constitutional provision and as a law abiding citizen, “our client instructed us to institute an action at the Federal High Court seeking an interpretation of the powers of the Senate with respect to investigations.
“In compliance with our client’s instructions, we instituted the said suit with number FHC/ABJ/CS/934/15 on 19th November, 2015 at the Federal High Court and it was assigned to Honourable Justice G.O. Kolawole sitting at Federal High Court 8, Abuja.
“Both the Senate and the Committee were served with the Originating Summons and a Motion seeking an Interlocutory Injunction restraining the Senate from continuing with their investigations pending the determination of the suit. The processes were served on them on 20th November, 2015, but since then, they have refused, ignored and failed to file any process in defence of the suit.”
The lawyer asked the Inspector General of Police and other law enforcement agencies to disregard any such warrant of arrest (if issued) and resist the invitation to drag themselves into this illegal scheme.
Keyamo’s statement is reproduced here:
It has been brought to our attention through several publications in both the online and mainstream media that the Nigerian Senate has directed its Committee on Ethics, Privileges and Public Petitions (hereinafter referred to as “the Committee”), to issue a Warrant of Arrest against our client, Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde, for failing to appear before it. We respectfully urge the Inspector General of Police and other law enforcement agencies to disregard any such Warrant of Arrest (if issued) and resist the invitation to drag themselves into this illegal scheme. To set the records straight, the antecedents of this matter are briefly reproduced hereunder. Pursuant to a petition written by one George Uboh against our client, the Senate referred the petition to the Committee for investigation. In the course of the investigation, the Committee wrote a letter of invitation to our client as the Chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), inviting him to a meeting with the Committee on 5th November, 2015. Owing to prior engagements, our client could not attend that meeting and this was duly communicated to the Committee. However, on the 9th of November, 2015, our client was relieved of his duties as the Chairman of the EFCC and he handed over all obligations, duties and responsibilities pertaining to his office to Ibrahim Mustapha Magu, who was appointed Acting Chairman. Despite the fact that our client had handed over to the Acting Chairman, another letter of invitation was sent to him on 11th November, 2015 inviting him for a meeting with the Committee on 17th November, 2015. Our client could not honour that invitation as he was out of the country on his 3-month terminal leave. However, on the said 11th November, 2015, we appeared before the Committee to represent our client and raised objections to the conduct of the investigations by the Committee on two grounds. First, the Constitution stipulates that the Committee can compel the attendance of a witness by issuing a proper SUMMONS and not an INVITATION LETTER. In the circumstances, it was contended that our client had not been summoned at all. In addition, section 88 of the 1999 Constitution stipulates that only a person presently occupying a public office can be investigated by the Senate in relation to that office and since at the time of this invitation, our client had vacated the office, he could no longer be made the subject of any investigation by the Senate. We contended that, however, any Nigerian can be summoned by the Senate as a WITNESS in any matter. Despite these cogent objections, the Committee denied us audience and threatened to have our client arrested. As a law abiding citizen, our client instructed us to institute an action at the Federal High Court seeking an interpretation of the powers of the Senate with respect to investigations. In compliance with our client’s instructions, we instituted the said suit with number FHC/ABJ/CS/934/15 on 19th November, 2015 at the Federal High Court and it was assigned to Honourable Justice G.O. Kolawole sitting at Federal High Court 8, Abuja. Both the Senate and the Committee were served with the Originating Summons and a Motion seeking an Interlocutory Injunction restraining the Senate from continuing with their investigations pending the determination of the suit. The processes were served on them on 20th November, 2015, but since then, they have refused, ignored and failed to file any process in defence of the suit. The suit came up before Justice G.O. Kolawole for hearing on the 9th December, 2015 and 10th February, 2016 and on both occasions, hearing Notices were served on the Senate and the Committee but on both occasions, they were absent and unrepresented by legal practitioners. At the proceedings of 10th February, 2016, the application for Interlocutory injunction was heard but in its wisdom, the Honourable court decided to give both the Senate and the Senate Committee another chance to come and answer to our client’s suit and the suit was subsequently adjourned till 14th March, 2016 for the Senate to respond to our client’s case. As a law-abiding Police Force, you are aware that one of the Pillars of our democracy is the respect for the Rule of Law. By extension, this implies that when matters are pending before a court of law, all parties are expected to maintain status quo pending the determination of the matter. In any event, the Senate Standing Rules are clear to the effect that matters pending before a court of law should not be deliberated upon or discussed on the floor of the Senate or any of its Committees. This is the reason why our client’s case is clearly different from the case of other citizens against whom Warrants of Arrest have been issued by competent courts of law. Whilst there is no restriction on the powers of a court of law to issue a Warrant of Arrest against anybody who fails to honour its Summons, the Senate’s own rules forbid it to do anything in respect of matters that are pending in a court of law. The conducts of the Senate and the Committee amount to legislative rascality as they seek to usurp the powers of the judiciary and to undermine its authority. We most respectfully urge the Nigeria Police Force to await the outcome of the matter pending in court before deciding one way or the other about the enforcement of the said Warrant of Arrest, if eventually issued. If the court decides otherwise against our position, our client is prepared to appear before the Senate or any of its Committees. We issue this statement on behalf of and on the instruction of our client, Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde. . Being a statement issued by Festus Keyamo, lawyer to former Chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, Ibrahim Lamorde. [myad]
The national chairman of the opposition Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), Ali Modu Sheriff has promised not to have anything to do with the governor of Ekiti state, Ayo Fayose and others who have been causing trouble in the party since he was made chairman.
Modu Sheriff who spoke when a delegation of the Arewa Social Media Forum led by Yusuf Dingyadi paid him a courtesy visit in Abuja today said that he would take the party’s campaign to grassroots.
“We have the mandate of the party members and leaders to reposition the party and we will not work with anyone who will create crisis or violence in the party, no matter their positions.
“The party has suffered enough for its mistakes, and members and indeed Nigerians are looking forward toward a repositioned PDP.”
The PDP chairman insisted that the crisis in the party was man-made and self-inflicted, adding that he would ensure the return of the party to the grassroots to ensure viability ahead of 2019 elections.
Earlier, Mr. Dingyadi had said that youths in the Northern part of the country have been neglected for long. [myad]
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The Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC), has planned to kick-start the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) Area Council elections for the distribution of Permanent Voter Cards (PVCs) to eligible registrants beginning from March 4.
The Naira-Dollar Blues, By Reuben Abati
“My brother, e ku exchange rate oh.”
“Excuse me?”
“I am greeting you. I am saying how are you and the exchange rate palaver. The dollar wahala”.
“So, that is why you are saying e ku exchange rate. Is something wrong with you Yoruba people? Must you turn everything into a form of greeting?”
“You are insulting me?”
“I am making a statement”
“Meaning?”
“Any serious matter at all, you and your people must turn it into something else. E ku exchange rate? What kind of greeting is that? Yoruba will say e ku election, e ku democracy, e ku change, e ku ana, e ku gbogbo e, gbogbo e, e ku democracy. I am tired of answering you people and your cynical greetings.”
“The people don’t mean any harm.”
“That was how somebody came to me the other day and said e ku Mecca, Medina, e ku Qatar. I felt like slapping the guy.”
“Ha.”
“I don’t like hypocrites.”
“Would you have felt better, if he had told you e ku living upside down, e ku idorikodo, e pele change?”
“I would just have been livid, because I know you and your people. Too much cynicism.”
“Can you stop?”
“You know me, I speak my mind.”
“No. You are beginning to sound like Donald Trump. Stop Trump-ing other people, just because you don’t know where they are coming from.”
“But of course I know where you are coming from when you say e ku exchange rate”.
“Where am I coming from? I just left my house”
“My friend. Sit down. “
“You too stop going upanddan”
“Okay, you want to talk about exchange rate. I am listening. The way it is, everybody is now an economist in Nigeria. Even my driver yesterday was telling me about the behaviour of the parallel market. And I overheard the nanny commenting on the 2016 budget and how it may, in the long run affect the housekeeping allowance.”
“That’s a criminal in the making. You should sack that housekeeper. She certainly wants to pad the housekeeping allowance.”
“You know these people also watch television. She must have listened to stories about padding on television and radio may be, and she may think it is perfectly normal in today’s Nigeria to pad figures.”
“These things run deep, I agree. But a crook is a crook. Better keep an eye on that housekeeper and let her know that this is the era of prudence, discipline and you-steal-you-get-caught-you-blame yourself-and-may-be-go-to-wa wi-tenu-e places.“
“Don’t worry, I am the EFCC of my house, nobody can pad anything. I am on top of it. I do more market research and monitoring than Madam.”
“I don’t get it. You now go to the market while Madam stays home?”
“You can say what you like, but I can tell you authoritatively that a bag of rice which used to be N8, 500 is now N12, 500. Pampers was N1, 450, it is now within three weeks, N1, 850.”
“Pampers?”
“Yes”
“What’s your business with pampers?”
“What is not my business with pampers? I am a very active man, upstairs and downstairs. You don’t think I should be interested in all things material and particular and eventual? “
“You have really changed. What happened to you?”
“Are you interested in my findings or you want to discuss something else?”
“Carry on. I am listening.”
“A congo of garri was N250 a few weeks ago, it is now N500”
“Common garri?”
“Garri has changed oh. It is no longer common”
“Really?”
“Stop saying really? Be a man and do your own research before Madam and the housekeeper drive you into bankruptcy by adding something of their own to the real figures and giving you false information. You must be proactive.”
“I am with you”
“See, I like to drink Andre. A carton used to be about N20,000. Can you believe it has jumped up to N24,500?”
“Andre? What is that?”
“It is a kind of wine. Middle class taste. I like it.”
“So cheap? Some other people drink Crystal, Cliquot, didn’t know you are just a bush man with all your big mouth. Andre. Please stop disgracing somebody.”
“A carton of Carlo Rossi, a week ago was N14,000, it is now N17, 500.
“Carlo Rossi? Who is that? A football coach?
“Even the cost of paraga and alomo, kasaprenko has gone up.”
“You drink all of that too?”
“A carton of Orijin was N2, 900 the other week, it is now N3, 300”
“You keep talking about drinks. No wonder you have also been monitoring the prices of pampers. You can’t know the prices of these concoctions and not cause some maternity ward problems.”
“I am giving you real figures. And that is why I greeted you, e ku exhange rate. The Naira has been dancing like a yo-yo, and the dollar is the queen of the foreign exchange market in Nigeria today.”
“The colour of change.”
“The Naira even exchanged for N390 to the dollar, and N500 to the pound.”
“Nobody is talking about the pound.”
“It is the American age. You’d think the Americans were the ones who colonized Nigeria with the way they have colonized the Nigerian exchange rate. Practically everyone is looking for the dollar, you would think the Naira never existed. We definitely have an economic identity crisis. ”
“My driver told me he has a solution to the problem”
“I have heard some petrol station attendants also saying they will solve the problem.”
“I am not joking. My own Pastor actually told us on Sunday that the problem with the Naira is spiritual and that with prayers, the Naira will regain its lost strength.”
“Well, the petrol station attendant has a different logic, and his own logic is even different from my driver’s.”
“That is the problem. Everybody in Nigeria today is now an economist. Very soon, the roadside imbecile will issue an opinion on how the Naira can be saved.”
“Are you sure that has not happened yet?”
“I went to a barbing salon last week, and the barber lamented that his prices would have to change”
“Ok?”
“Exchange rate and crude oil prices, he said”
“By the time landlords start blaming the exchange rate and the spot price of crude oil, and they fix prices differently, we would all be in big trouble.”
“But what happened to that campaign?”
“Which one?
“The Buy-Naija-To-Grow-the-Naira campaign, promoted by Senator Ben Bruce and others.”
“Ha. You have not heard? The Common Sense Senator published a book on Common Sense, but it was discovered that the man preaching buy Naija, published his own book in the US of A.”
“So?”
“What do you mean so? Should he do one thing and say another?”
“Let the people criticizing the Senator go and sit down, and keep quiet. The man is a thinker. They should know that. When they go to his Silverbird cinemas, do they watch Nigerian films there all the time, or do they eat guguru instead of pop corn?”
“I am listening”
“And have they seen Senator Bruce wearing local attires like a fisherman? This thing is about ideas. And that is why I always argue that what we need is not common sense, but uncommon sense. When you confront Nigerians with common sense, they will start looking for loopholes”.
“I just hope that your common sense Senator is married to a Nigerian woman, because that is the best way to grow the Naira.”
“What is that? Where is that coming from?”
“I don’t think anybody can preach buy Naija to grow the Naira, and then go and marry a foreign wife, that will be hypocrisy of the highest order!”
“What is the connection between where a man marries from and the Naira?”
“There is. Please, there is; it is the biggest money laundering offence.”
“You have started again. Who are you trying to shade?”
“Nobody. But if we want to really save the Naira, everybody should buy Naija.”
“That is too simplistic. Except you are trying to suggest that our Governor-friend with Cape Verde connections has also refused to buy Naija and therefore has a hand in the problem with the Naira.”
“He is our friend oh. Please, no comment.”
“Some people say to save the Naira, not even the bedroom should be outsourced, and that the biggest drain on this economy is the obsession of the Nigerian rich with all things beautiful and romantically seductive from foreign countries.”
“I can’t comment on that.”
“You are saying all of this because Ben Murray Bruce printed his common sense book in America?”
“I am saying we all need to rescue the Naira and the economy. The economy first!”
“You are beginning to sound like a vulcanizer. It is not your job, it is not my driver’s job, and the petrol station attendants should just keep quiet. Na only we dey OPEC?”
“They won’t. They can’t. This is a democracy and we all have a right to make policy. If we don’t speak up, some people will pad things again and things will get worse.”
“It is Godwin Emefiele’s job”
“Him na your brother?”
“He is the Governor of the Central Bank”
“Really?”
“What do you mean, really?”
“What are his views on monetary policy?”
“Go and ask him”
“And fiscal policy?”
“Go and ask the Minister of Finance?”
“We have a Minister of Finance?”
“Of course we do”
“And who is that?”
“Wait a moment. What’s that her name again?”
“Hello?”
“Wait. I am trying to remember. Em…em…yes, 16+6= 24!”
“You mean you can’t connect the monetary side with the fiscal side of the Nigerian economy, you are busy just saying… Okay, don’t bother, I get it.”
“Candidly speaking.”
“Don’t worry, the people who are benefitting from the Naira crisis know her and they know her name and they know the CBN Governor too. In case you don’t know, while you are busy trying to put people down, some other Nigerians have made a fortune from the Naira-Dollar palaver.”
“A fortune?”
“Yes. That is the difference between people who are clever and those who just complain. One of my wife’s friends is almost a billionaire now because the Naira crashed.”
“How did she do it?”
“The God of Olajumoke intervened. The God of Adekunle Gold picked up her call. And the God of Korede Bello said she had won. Her warehouse is profiting from the difference. So when you talk with that your sharp mouth, just know that in every economic situation, there are both happy and sad stories.”
“But there are standards, normative contexts, economic frameworks”
“If you don’t get it, you can’t get it. If you don’t mind, please, I don’t want a lecture on that.” [myad]