A Young man, Anselm Ugwuoke, has allegedly killed his 60 year old father, Paulinus Ugwuoke, on Christmas Day at Imilike-Agu, a community in Udenu Local Government Area of Enugu State.
Anselm Ugwuoke was said to have had a disagreement with his Father, though it was not immediately known what the subject of such disagreement was.
It was learnt that in the heat of the argument, Anselm struck his father with an object and that the father collapsed and was unconscious. Efforts to revive him failed.
It was gathered that Anselm took to his heels when he noticed that his father had died.
His elder brother, Sunday Ugwuoke, who expressed shock and sadness at the tragic incident, urged the police and other security agencies to ensure that Anselm was brought to book.
“I am still in a state of shock over what has happened but I know we will still get Anselm.”
The spokesman for the Enugu State Police Command, Mr. Ebere Amaraizu, said that the police is on Anselm’s trail.
The remains of Mr. Paulinus Ugwuoke have been deposited in a mortuary even as an autopsy has been scheduled to be conducted on the corpse. [myad]
Nine-member armed robbery gang struck a first generation bank in Ekiti state on Christmas even carting away millions of naira, killing two persons and injuring many others.
The robbers, who were said to have been heavily armed, operated in Okemesi, in Ekiti West Local Government Area of Ekiti State
Those who died were identities as Matthew and a carpenter, Ayo Alawode (53).
One of the robbers reportedly disguised on arrival as a resident and joined others at a news stand close to the bank before other members of the gang arrived in a Toyota Sienna space bus.
An eyewitness told reporters in Ado Ekiti, the state capital, that bank customers, who queued up at the Automated Teller Machine (ATM) gallery were marched into the banking hall by four of the robbers, while the remaining gang members stood guard outside.
The source said: “Immediately, those in the bank hall realized that one of them had been shot; they thought it was done by a policeman and they quickly ran out.
“When they got outside and knew that the police were yet to arrive, they immediately shot the carpenter and the security guard. This provided the opportunity for the customers held hostage to escape.
“We made efforts to call policemen at Ijero Ekiti, but they didn’t come in time, same to soldiers at Itawure Junction. They later came after the robbers had escaped through Ijero road,” he said.
Ekiti police command spokesman, Alberto Adeyemi, confirmed the killing of the two persons during the robbery operation.
He added that the command had launched investigation and expressed confidence that the culprits will be arrested “very soon.” [myad]
President Muhammadu Buhari has made it clear that Nigeria has finally triumphed over the Boko Haram insurgents. “They are not in a position to threaten Nigeria now, so we have won.”
President Buhari who spoke in an interview with the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) Hausa service today said: “if people would be fair to us, they would know that the Nigerian Army has basically met the deadline (of eliminating Boko Haram at the end of December 2015), and are winning the war. You cannot find any significant number of Boko Haram members in Adamawa, and Yobe. Only, may be, in about three local governments of Borno; in the area around our borders with Chad Republic.”
He recalled that after settled down and got good grasp of what the country was going through, “we removed all the service chiefs and appointed new ones. We also undertook an investigation and found out how the monies meant for arms procurement were diverted and shared by officials in the last administration. They sent the boys to the war front without arms and ammunition, leading some of them to mutiny after which they were arrested and detained.”
The President said that his government has been able to raise money and fund the war.
“Go and ask the people of Borno, Yobe and Adamawa; how many of their local governments were under the control of insurgents (then)? And how many are currently still under the insurgents?
“May be we would not win the war completely by the end of the month (December), but the insurgents have now resorted to putting on explosive vests on young children, mostly girls aged 15 and below and then sending them to markets, mosques and churches to detonate. Boko Haram themselves know that the era of them taking over communities and local governments are over.” [myad]
Former Vice President and chieftain of All Progressives Congress (APC), Atiku Abubakar has begged those he called ‘political mischief makers’ to allow him enjoy his peace and desist from sinister propaganda designed to draw a wedge between him and President Muhammadu Buhari.
A statement by Atiku’s spokesman, Mazi Paul Ibe, quoted the former Vice President as saying that the intention of such mischief makers is to cause needless distrust and distractions in the President’s government.
In reaction to insinuations the “political mischief makers and enemies of unity”, who alleges that he has been hosting political meetings at Burj Al-Arab, Dubai, Atiku said that contrary to the rumours being bandied around by political opponents, he is currently in Dubai with his family for physiotherapy on his injured knee.
The former Vice President said that he was embarrassed by the deliberate falsehoods being spread against him by political opponents who are bent on causing distraction for President Buhari at a time all energies should be channeled into helping the President actualize his change agenda.
Describing rumour mongers as “ill-motivated busybodies that don’t wish the country well,” Atiku, who holds a traditional title of Turaki Adamawa said that his medical treatment is his private affairs, which should not be politicized by anybody to achieve sinister objectives.
He said that he is entitled to enjoy his private life, including the right to attend to his health, without being harassed and lied against by political opponents.
According to him, the success of the Buhari administration has been his preoccupation, and that any true APC member should have the same zeal, adding that rumour mongers that seek to cause distrust and distraction in Buhari’s government do not mean well for the APC administration.
The former Vice President said that with the challenges of providing good governance for the country and creating job opportunities for Nigerians, including reducing the impact of poverty, President Buhari needs all the goodwill and support in this endeavour.
“Whether at home or abroad, I am preoccupied with my unassailable support to President Buhari and his administration, especially in this critical time, as it works assiduously to turn the fortunes of our dear country around and make Nigeria work for the greater good of Nigerians.”
According to Atiku, rumour mongers and mischief makers are toxic to the progress of the APC and the country at large, adding that the campaigns are gone, and therefore, all energies should be constructively devoted to the success of the Buhari administration.
“This is yet another plot of the enemies of our country and democracy to divide, divert attention and distract the APC in its avowed commitment to secure the country, provide jobs for the mass of unemployed youths, build needed critical infrastructure, enthrone a regime of probity and accountability and pull the country out of the economic woods it has been consigned to by locust years of mismanagement.” [myad]
“How was Christmas?” “It’s come and gone. Life goes on. We thank God for the gift of life.” “Life will always go on.” “But without life, we can’t have hope.” “Without hope, life has no meaning.” “I am still in a Christmas mood though. I get a chance to rest a lot during holidays” “Where were you?” “I was in my home town, the city of hope. I refused to be deterred by fuel scarcity, the scarcity of cash and the scarcity of goodwill.” “That your town where nobody sells a brand new car, no single car mart where you can get tear rubber, all the major streets are littered with Tokunbo vehicles on sale. Yeah, the town of hope.” “Talking about hope, you know. During Christmas, I saw a story about Christmas in Senegal, showing how in a country with about 94% of the population being Muslims, Christmas is celebrated.” “By Muslims?” “Yes. Muslims wearing Father Christmas clothes, decorating their homes for Christmas and joining the small percentage of Christians to celebrate.” “Are you sure the attraction is not commerce? Christmas is big business, and Senegal is a major tourist destination.” “I think it is more about religious tolerance in that country and people learning to accommodate and enjoy diversity. For me, that is the message. People can belong to different religious faiths and yet live happily together.” “Hmm. We need that message in Nigeria.” “Ironically, something like that also actually happened in Nigeria, this Christmas” “Where?” “In Kaduna.” “When? How?” “I learnt some Muslim women went to Kaduna prison to give food to prisoners to celebrate Christmas. “ “Christmas or Eid el Maulud? You know there were two events: the birthday of Prophet Muhammed (SAW) and that of Our Lord Jesus Christ.” “I am sure. The Muslim women visited the prison on Christmas Day. And at the Christ Evangelical Intercessory Fellowship Ministry, also in Kaduna, more than 150 Muslims attended Christmas Day church service.” “If what you are saying is true, then that is great, beautiful, fantastic. Religion has done too much damage in our society. Can you imagine some people going to destroy somebody’s mother’s grave just because they do not like his brand of worship? People should stop killing the living and the dead because of religious differences. We should accommodate our differences and join hands to move Nigeria forward.” “I know. But how far should this accommodation thing go? Should it also include witches?” “Witchcraft?” “Yes.” “Hey, blood of Jesus!” “Look at you. Where were you when the other day, the spokesman for the Witches and Wizards Association of Nigeria (WIZAN) issued a press statement saying they the white witches of Nigeria support President Buhari’s anti-corruption campaign” “White witches. Winch dey get colour?’ “Na so I hear oh. White winch, Black winch, Red winch” “All of them winching, winching people from the pit of darkness. Chei, blood of Jesus!” “The spokesman for White Witches said they are good people with members in every state of the Federation and that as patriots, if they are invited, they are ready to assist the government to bring corrupt persons to book.” “Witches have a spokesman and a nationwide network, and they now issue press statements? Father, your words are forever true. End time is here! And Nigeria never fails to surprise somebody; everyday, every minute, something new always crops up in this country.” “I don’t get you. But you just spoke about diversity, accommodation, inclusiveness, and now you are contradicting yourself.” “Not witchcraft please. Light and darkness cannot mix. I support freedom yes, inclusiveness and all that, but not the kind of support that will take me to Hell-fire.” “Hell is in your mind. Heaven is a mythological construct. But look at the proposal. The witches want to help the government.” “How? Will the Federal Government set up a Special Court for White Witches fighting Corruption?” “I guess they will be very effective. See how you’ve been shivering since you heard that witches have become nationalists and change agents. Only the guilty are afraid.” “Will they also help to resolve fuel scarcity issues, power supply problems, and reckless driving on our roads?” “This is a democracy. Let all the flowers bloom.” “Witches don they get spokesman. I thought the law forbids anyone from belonging to a secret society, a cult and so on.” “Well, as it is the white witches association is no longer a secret society. They are now in the open. Don’t be surprised if very soon they advertise vacancies for membership.” “God forbid.” “Siddon there, dey talk. You’d be surprised how many media houses will collect the adverts, and publish, get paid for services rendered, and claim that this is a democracy.” “Hmmm” “See. Smell the coffee. The thing is that even this thing called government is a kind of witchcraft. White, black and red witchcraft combined; that is what is called government!” “And that’s why we need spiritual redemption.” “Keep sermonizing. Were you not in this country when during the last general elections, the National Association of Prostitutes also issued a statement on how the elections should be organized?” “Prostitutes also have a spokesperson? No shame?” “It was their President that spoke. They even promised free sex. But I wouldn’t know if they made good on that offer.” “Wait oh.” “What?” “I am trying to remember something.” “What is that?” “These your witches and wizards, didn’t they also make certain predictions during the last elections?” “I don’t remember” “They did. They openly endorsed President Jonathan. They said they didn’t see any vacancy in Aso Rock in their crystal ball, and they pledged their support.” “May be the spirits changed and the witches also changed.” “Ha!” “It is called change. Once they wave that their broom” “Witches use broom?” “Yes. Once they wave that their broom over their magical pot… but let me just advise you, don’t go about questioning the wisdom of witches. It can be dangerous.” “I am a child of Light.” “Whatever you are, just know that when a witch strikes you…you can’t do anything to witches. Nobody can catch the air.” “You are beginning to sound as if you are one of them. And if you are not, well, you may end up becoming a witch yourself.” “Me? No.” “It is like you like them.” “I am just saying in a democracy, you are bound to see all kinds of things. That is why it is a democracy.” “I know. That is why Donald Trump is getting good ratings in the US Presidential race.” “Let’s leave witches alone, I beg.” “But what have they said about this coming year, 2016?” “How?” “Any predictions?” “You don’t need witches to predict any new year. I can do it myself.” “I said it. There is something you are not telling me. I wasn’t talking about witches. I was referring to the pastors who always look into the future.” “Dey there. You don’t need to be a witch or a pastor to make predictions. When I reviewed some of my own projections for 2015, I was almost 80% accurate. You just need to learn how it is done.” “How?” “Okay, let me assist you. See in the year of our Lord, 2016, care must be taken in the aviation industry to avoid air mishap. In the course of the year, two prominent Nigerians must pray seriously against bereavement in their families. Two Governors are likely to face the threat of removal from office. And a former state Governor should be careful not to lose his son-in-law. I see fire outbreak in two major markets, North and South, with many casualties. Two First Class Traditional Rulers are likely to join their ancestors before the month of June. Some directors in the public service will lose their positions. I see earthquake occurring somewhere in the Pacific. There will be a boom in the Agriculture Sector. 2016 is going to be a year of bountiful harvest. More lives will still be lost to Boko Haram violence. The Naira will remain unpredictable….” “What kind of crystal ball do you use, if I may ask?” “What crystal ball does your Pastor use?” “My Pastor doesn’t use a crystal ball. He is filled with the Holy Spirit.” “Many of these Pastors predict so many things and they don’t even get it right. And yet this year again, they will sell books of predictions to their congregation.” “My own Pastor is a man of God. He is always at least 85% accurate, every year.” “Well, I have made my own predictions too. You can either believe me or you believe your Pastor; you choose. But you’d see that I am always very accurate.” “You are just using commonsense, my friend.” “And what does your Pastor use?” “There are people who have the gift of prophecy, they can see into the future. Don’t blaspheme.” “Don’t worry. When your pastor publishes his book of predictions, get me two copies, please. I am in a generous mood. I don’t have a problem helping him to make quick profit.” “Only God can forgive you.” “So, technically speaking, what are you saying?” “I am saying, that technically, Nigeria will survive 2016, prophecy or no prophecy. God never forsakes his own people.” “Okay. I understand, you mean technically, the current fuel scarcity will end.” “Yes” “And technically, power supply will improve, and we will not have any more Dumsor.” “What is Dumsor?” “That is how technically, the people of Ghana, describe persistent power outages.” “But how do our people describe it?” “They say technically, all our problems will be defeated.” “You mean, technically, all Nigerians will become prosperous in 2016?” “Yes”. “Actually, come to think of it, everything is technical.” “Oh, certainly, once you understand the technique of the technicality.” “Like the announcement that the pump price of fuel will be reduced to N85 per litre in January 2016?” “Yes! You got it! Technically!” “But I have been buying fuel at N130 per litre.” “That is the technicality” “I am confused.” “That is because you don’t have a gift for technical things.” “Like witchcraft, yes.” “Don’t worry, you’d learn. Just have an open mind.” “But look at this other matter. Even international airlines including British Airways, are now threatening to reduce their flights to Nigeria by early 2016.” “So?” “They say they can’t get aviation fuel in Nigeria and that the scarcity of foreign exchange has slowed down the Nigerian economy.” “They should go and sit down. Otherwise we will give them the MTN treatment. Who is asking foreign airlines to start analyzing Nigeria’s 2016 Budget? If they like let them reduce all their flights. We will defeat those foreign airlines, technically. In fact, Nigerians will start traveling to Europe, Dubai, wherever, by road. Nonsense!” “What?” “Yes, London by road, why not?”[myad]
Special Adviser to former President Goodluck Jonathan on media and publicity, Dr. Reuben Abati, danced his heart out with wife, Omolara, who came all the way from London to throw a party as her husband turned 50. Cheers to the golden age celebrant.
Group pix at the celebration of life, with Dr. Abati
Dr. Abati and wife, Omolara in the previous outing in native attires. [myad]
The social media Director of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), Deji Adeyanju has described the former Senate President, David Mark and others who have been praising President Muhammadu Buhari as cowards and boot leakers.
In a write up which he circulated today to news media, Adeyanju , alleged that Senator Mark is suddenly afraid that if he does not patronize president Buhari and sing his praises he might not win the re-run election for his Benue South senatorial district.
Adeyanju recalled how recently, Senators Stella Oduah and Ben Murray Bruce were singing the praises of Buhari over the budget presentation.
“A budget that failed to meet the expectations of Nigerians, address core issues of the economy, unemployment and insecurity; an unrealistic budget, and a budget that has been termed a fraud by our great party, the PDP, but only for our elected senators to take a disparagingly different view from the official position of the party and turn around to praise the president.
“It is disheartening to read some of the comments by people who are supposed to be strong opposition figures in our nation. What these our leaders do not seem to understand is that you do not patronize dictators or appeal to them. You challenge them, you dare them to their faces. You face them squarely. Dictators get emboldened when they see that you are afraid of them. It is the collective responsibility of the oppressed and the victimized to challenge every dictator and see to the quick change of such dictatorial regimes through any legal means possible and not to be begging and appealing to them.”
He admitted that Senators Stella Oduah and Ben Murray Bruce have the right to express their personal opinions on the budget and other national issues “but I disagree with this assertion completely. Will a Republican or Labor party senator in the United States of America or United Kingdom disagree with the official position of his party on a fundamental issue such as this and make it public? The answer is never! Senators Ben Bruce and Stella Oduah are no longer private citizens but elected members of the National Assembly on the platform of the People’s Democratic Party. They would not have become senators if not for the party on whose platform they contested and won the election.”
Adeyanju insisted that no elected member of the PDP should publicly go against the official position of the party which he said is the worst form of indiscipline a politician can demonstrate. “Since independent candidacy is not recognized in our constitution, political parties are the vehicles by which many aspirants ride to power and as such these politicians can not continue to deride the platform on which they got to power.
“Have you ever seen or read any APC member going against the official position of their party? If you are afraid of Buhari because you embezzled public funds or have some skeletons in your cupboard while you were in government and cannot speak boldly like an opposition member, why do you not just go and join Buhari in APC like Rotimi Amaechi and others who today have immunity from prosecution because they defected to APC?
“If you really like the leadership style of Buhari why not go and join him in the APC? You should not be in our great party and be demoralizing our teeming members and supporters.
“The Olisa Metuhs, Ayo Fayoses and Femi Fani-Kayodes’ way is the only way to go. Face the dictator, look at him straight in the eyes and tell him to go straight to hell where he rightly belongs. When a terrorist group like the Boko Haram apprehends someone they believe to be an unbeliever, “kafir”, and they want to behead him, it would make absolutely no sense to start begging or appealing to them. What is expected of you to do is to look them straight in the eyes and spit on their ugly faces, then face death bravely and courageously knowing full well that you are going to meet your Heavenly Father, and that angels would rejoice when they see you. It will be despicable of you to be in that ugly situation, then you deny the faith, you begin to beg them, start appealing and accept their own belief. No matter the volume of your tears, pleadings and compromise, they would still behead you.
“I therefore urge the leadership of the People’s Democratic Party, to henceforth, sound a clear note of warning to every elected member of our party never to go against the official position of the party and be ready to take disciplinary measures against anyone that flouts this warning. Political parties can not be administered without party discipline.” [myad]
Some residents of Zaria in Kaduna state, have narrated how for about 20 years, the leader of the Islamic Movement in Nigeria, otherwise known as Shiites, Sheikh Ibraheemm El-ZakZaky allegedly ran a parallel government and, together with members of the group, held them hostage.
Spokesman of the residents, Alhaji Idris Mohammed Baba, who addressed news men today in Kaduna, said that the Shiites had held them in Zaria and Sabon Gari local government areas hostage with impunity, as they allegedly operated a parallel government.
Idris, who however described the recent killing of members of the sect in recent clash with the Nigerian army as unfortunate, called on the Federal Government to urgently call the Sheikh Ibraheem El-Zakzaky-led movement in their communities to order in the interest of peace and stability.
He recalled that sometimes in May 2015, 24 youths in the Gyellesu area of Zaria where Sheikh Zakzaky is resident, were declared persona non grata for daring to challenge the impunity being allegedly perpetrated by members of the sect.
Narrating the ordeals of residents of Zaria in the hands of the sect members for over 20 years, Baba alleged that at some point, the sect members even threatened to kill him. [myad]
The Minister of the Federal Capital Territory (FCT), Mallam Muhammad Musa Bello has made it clear that he would consolidate on the prevailing inter-religious harmony being enjoyed in FCT.
The Minister who made spoke when he received a delegation of religious and traditional rulers who paid him Christmas homage at his Abuja residence, noted that the visit signified mutual respect between FCTA, eminent religious and community leaders in Abuja.
According to the minister, Christmas celebration which coincided with the Muslim’s Friday service was ordained by God as a sign for the two religious bodies to stay together in peace and harmony.
He charged leaders and the residents of FCT to thank God for His blessings to Nigeria.
Muhammad Bello also tasked them to renew their support and prayers for President Muhammadu Buhari to enable him achieve what he promised Nigerians. [myad]
The Director General of the National Emergency Management Agency (NEMA), Alhaji Mohammed Sani-Sidi, has said that Nigerian troops have liberated all communities from the grip of dreaded sect, Boko Haram. Sani-Sidi who spoke last night at an awards ceremony organized by the Northern Youth Council in Kaduna, Kaduna State, commended President Muhammadu Buhari-led administration for reducing the work of the emergency agency from dealing with emergency situations to just the rehabilitation of victims of all kinds of emergencies.
He emphasized that Boko Haram can no longer lay claim to the control of any community, adding: “There is no community that has not been liberated from Boko Haram now. “We should thank our soldiers and the commitment of President Muhammadu Buhari to making sure this has come to pass.” The NEMA boss said that the Agency is already rehabilitating victims of the insurgency and that it would be through with the task soon also with the support of the government. He said that at the moment, no victim of the Boko Haram insurgency was being brought to the Internally Displaced Persons camp all over the North East again, adding: “We are soon getting over with the emergency issues. “We are heading towards rehabilitation of IDPs instead. “The government is working with various international agencies to make sure those at the IDPs camps are fully rehabilitated.” Sani-Sidi was honoured by the NYC with the award of Ambassador of Hope. He dedicated the award to the staff of NEMA and the displaced persons. [myad]
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A Young man, Anselm Ugwuoke, has allegedly killed his 60 year old father, Paulinus Ugwuoke, on Christmas Day at Imilike-Agu, a community in Udenu Local Government Area of Enugu State.
What The Witches Said, By Reuben Abati
“How was Christmas?”
“It’s come and gone. Life goes on. We thank God for the gift of life.”
“Life will always go on.”
“But without life, we can’t have hope.”
“Without hope, life has no meaning.”
“I am still in a Christmas mood though. I get a chance to rest a lot during holidays”
“Where were you?”
“I was in my home town, the city of hope. I refused to be deterred by fuel scarcity, the scarcity of cash and the scarcity of goodwill.”
“That your town where nobody sells a brand new car, no single car mart where you can get tear rubber, all the major streets are littered with Tokunbo vehicles on sale. Yeah, the town of hope.”
“Talking about hope, you know. During Christmas, I saw a story about Christmas in Senegal, showing how in a country with about 94% of the population being Muslims, Christmas is celebrated.”
“By Muslims?”
“Yes. Muslims wearing Father Christmas clothes, decorating their homes for Christmas and joining the small percentage of Christians to celebrate.”
“Are you sure the attraction is not commerce? Christmas is big business, and Senegal is a major tourist destination.”
“I think it is more about religious tolerance in that country and people learning to accommodate and enjoy diversity. For me, that is the message. People can belong to different religious faiths and yet live happily together.”
“Hmm. We need that message in Nigeria.”
“Ironically, something like that also actually happened in Nigeria, this Christmas”
“Where?”
“In Kaduna.”
“When? How?”
“I learnt some Muslim women went to Kaduna prison to give food to prisoners to celebrate Christmas. “
“Christmas or Eid el Maulud? You know there were two events: the birthday of Prophet Muhammed (SAW) and that of Our Lord Jesus Christ.”
“I am sure. The Muslim women visited the prison on Christmas Day. And at the Christ Evangelical Intercessory Fellowship Ministry, also in Kaduna, more than 150 Muslims attended Christmas Day church service.”
“If what you are saying is true, then that is great, beautiful, fantastic. Religion has done too much damage in our society. Can you imagine some people going to destroy somebody’s mother’s grave just because they do not like his brand of worship? People should stop killing the living and the dead because of religious differences. We should accommodate our differences and join hands to move Nigeria forward.”
“I know. But how far should this accommodation thing go? Should it also include witches?”
“Witchcraft?”
“Yes.”
“Hey, blood of Jesus!”
“Look at you. Where were you when the other day, the spokesman for the Witches and Wizards Association of Nigeria (WIZAN) issued a press statement saying they the white witches of Nigeria support President Buhari’s anti-corruption campaign”
“White witches. Winch dey get colour?’
“Na so I hear oh. White winch, Black winch, Red winch”
“All of them winching, winching people from the pit of darkness. Chei, blood of Jesus!”
“The spokesman for White Witches said they are good people with members in every state of the Federation and that as patriots, if they are invited, they are ready to assist the government to bring corrupt persons to book.”
“Witches have a spokesman and a nationwide network, and they now issue press statements? Father, your words are forever true. End time is here! And Nigeria never fails to surprise somebody; everyday, every minute, something new always crops up in this country.”
“I don’t get you. But you just spoke about diversity, accommodation, inclusiveness, and now you are contradicting yourself.”
“Not witchcraft please. Light and darkness cannot mix. I support freedom yes, inclusiveness and all that, but not the kind of support that will take me to Hell-fire.”
“Hell is in your mind. Heaven is a mythological construct. But look at the proposal. The witches want to help the government.”
“How? Will the Federal Government set up a Special Court for White Witches fighting Corruption?”
“I guess they will be very effective. See how you’ve been shivering since you heard that witches have become nationalists and change agents. Only the guilty are afraid.”
“Will they also help to resolve fuel scarcity issues, power supply problems, and reckless driving on our roads?”
“This is a democracy. Let all the flowers bloom.”
“Witches don they get spokesman. I thought the law forbids anyone from belonging to a secret society, a cult and so on.”
“Well, as it is the white witches association is no longer a secret society. They are now in the open. Don’t be surprised if very soon they advertise vacancies for membership.”
“God forbid.”
“Siddon there, dey talk. You’d be surprised how many media houses will collect the adverts, and publish, get paid for services rendered, and claim that this is a democracy.”
“Hmmm”
“See. Smell the coffee. The thing is that even this thing called government is a kind of witchcraft. White, black and red witchcraft combined; that is what is called government!”
“And that’s why we need spiritual redemption.”
“Keep sermonizing. Were you not in this country when during the last general elections, the National Association of Prostitutes also issued a statement on how the elections should be organized?”
“Prostitutes also have a spokesperson? No shame?”
“It was their President that spoke. They even promised free sex. But I wouldn’t know if they made good on that offer.”
“Wait oh.”
“What?”
“I am trying to remember something.”
“What is that?”
“These your witches and wizards, didn’t they also make certain predictions during the last elections?”
“I don’t remember”
“They did. They openly endorsed President Jonathan. They said they didn’t see any vacancy in Aso Rock in their crystal ball, and they pledged their support.”
“May be the spirits changed and the witches also changed.”
“Ha!”
“It is called change. Once they wave that their broom”
“Witches use broom?”
“Yes. Once they wave that their broom over their magical pot… but let me just advise you, don’t go about questioning the wisdom of witches. It can be dangerous.”
“I am a child of Light.”
“Whatever you are, just know that when a witch strikes you…you can’t do anything to witches. Nobody can catch the air.”
“You are beginning to sound as if you are one of them. And if you are not, well, you may end up becoming a witch yourself.”
“Me? No.”
“It is like you like them.”
“I am just saying in a democracy, you are bound to see all kinds of things. That is why it is a democracy.”
“I know. That is why Donald Trump is getting good ratings in the US Presidential race.”
“Let’s leave witches alone, I beg.”
“But what have they said about this coming year, 2016?”
“How?”
“Any predictions?”
“You don’t need witches to predict any new year. I can do it myself.”
“I said it. There is something you are not telling me. I wasn’t talking about witches. I was referring to the pastors who always look into the future.”
“Dey there. You don’t need to be a witch or a pastor to make predictions. When I reviewed some of my own projections for 2015, I was almost 80% accurate. You just need to learn how it is done.”
“How?”
“Okay, let me assist you. See in the year of our Lord, 2016, care must be taken in the aviation industry to avoid air mishap. In the course of the year, two prominent Nigerians must pray seriously against bereavement in their families. Two Governors are likely to face the threat of removal from office. And a former state Governor should be careful not to lose his son-in-law. I see fire outbreak in two major markets, North and South, with many casualties. Two First Class Traditional Rulers are likely to join their ancestors before the month of June. Some directors in the public service will lose their positions. I see earthquake occurring somewhere in the Pacific. There will be a boom in the Agriculture Sector. 2016 is going to be a year of bountiful harvest. More lives will still be lost to Boko Haram violence. The Naira will remain unpredictable….”
“What kind of crystal ball do you use, if I may ask?”
“What crystal ball does your Pastor use?”
“My Pastor doesn’t use a crystal ball. He is filled with the Holy Spirit.”
“Many of these Pastors predict so many things and they don’t even get it right. And yet this year again, they will sell books of predictions to their congregation.”
“My own Pastor is a man of God. He is always at least 85% accurate, every year.”
“Well, I have made my own predictions too. You can either believe me or you believe your Pastor; you choose. But you’d see that I am always very accurate.”
“You are just using commonsense, my friend.”
“And what does your Pastor use?”
“There are people who have the gift of prophecy, they can see into the future. Don’t blaspheme.”
“Don’t worry. When your pastor publishes his book of predictions, get me two copies, please. I am in a generous mood. I don’t have a problem helping him to make quick profit.”
“Only God can forgive you.”
“So, technically speaking, what are you saying?”
“I am saying, that technically, Nigeria will survive 2016, prophecy or no prophecy. God never forsakes his own people.”
“Okay. I understand, you mean technically, the current fuel scarcity will end.”
“Yes”
“And technically, power supply will improve, and we will not have any more Dumsor.”
“What is Dumsor?”
“That is how technically, the people of Ghana, describe persistent power outages.”
“But how do our people describe it?”
“They say technically, all our problems will be defeated.”
“You mean, technically, all Nigerians will become prosperous in 2016?”
“Yes”.
“Actually, come to think of it, everything is technical.”
“Oh, certainly, once you understand the technique of the technicality.”
“Like the announcement that the pump price of fuel will be reduced to N85 per litre in January 2016?”
“Yes! You got it! Technically!”
“But I have been buying fuel at N130 per litre.”
“That is the technicality”
“I am confused.”
“That is because you don’t have a gift for technical things.”
“Like witchcraft, yes.”
“Don’t worry, you’d learn. Just have an open mind.”
“But look at this other matter. Even international airlines including British Airways, are now threatening to reduce their flights to Nigeria by early 2016.”
“So?”
“They say they can’t get aviation fuel in Nigeria and that the scarcity of foreign exchange has slowed down the Nigerian economy.”
“They should go and sit down. Otherwise we will give them the MTN treatment. Who is asking foreign airlines to start analyzing Nigeria’s 2016 Budget? If they like let them reduce all their flights. We will defeat those foreign airlines, technically. In fact, Nigerians will start traveling to Europe, Dubai, wherever, by road. Nonsense!”
“What?”
“Yes, London by road, why not?”[myad]